Happy Holidays from MJ and #FakeAssistantGreg

#FakeAssistantGreg’s reaction when I told him the Four Seasons was a no-go. In retrospect, this expression alone should have been a red flag.

Ah, December… that festive and familial time of year when your company holiday party forces you to hire a sitter so you and your significant other can hang out after hours with the people you’re already forced to hang out with for a third of your life…

Okay, fine: I’m not really that cynical. I actually LOVE company holiday parties, so much that I’ve been in charge of the planning of them at a few places I’ve worked. And very few of those have ended in tears or lawsuits, so, yay me!

Q: Can a Solopreneur have a holiday party?

The many benefits of working for yourself (and from home) notwithstanding, one thing I miss about working full-time for a company is the holiday parties. The deep breath and celebration of achievement after a year of hard work and collaboration. The normally-stodgy coworker from accounting who for some reason shows up in a super-slinky sequined dress. The surprisingly hot spouses, the moderately priced wine… and the opportunity to experience Conference Room B as something other than a source of boredom and emotional trauma.

Secrets revealed, bad dancers filmed, awkward interactions that keep people from making eye contact in the Monday meetings… There’s nothing like it!

A: Yes.

So, I decided Greg and I should have our own little staff holiday party this year, and–I have to be honest–it’s not going all that well. First of all, my boss vetoed the original party plan–rent a ballroom at the Four Seasons, hire a caterer and DJ, and then just start dancing in the center of the room to see how many passersby would join me out of curiosity and/or pity. Apparently this idea was “not realistic” and “assuredly humiliating,” plus it was about $14,990.01 over the budget. My boss can be a real hardass, I have to say.

We went another direction: streamers, cheap punch and a mediocre Amazon playlist. Unfortunately, I’ve since learned that Greg isn’t much of a drinker, and after less than half an hour of sipping our punch from plastic cups and inquiring politely about each other’s families, he was… Well. Let’s just say several of my neighbors are no longer speaking to me and there is some highly offensive graffiti on the mirror in my powder room. It wasn’t pretty.

So, while Greg tries to salvage what’s left of his dignity and I haul all my area rugs to an incinerator, I thought I’d invite you all to join in the fun. Yep, it turns out misery really does love company…

The weird thing is, that’s only his first cup of punch… Wait. Is he rubbing his nipple?

You’re Invited…

Post your favorite, funny office/holiday party story in the comments (no real names, please) and be sure to include your email address in the comment form.

…and don’t forget the party favors!

Everyone who comments by December 31, 2019 will receive a free digital copy of (1) Every Other Saturday, (2) Sugar Street or (3) Easy as Pie to keep you warm over the holidays.

Please list your choice of book at the bottom of your comment (if no book is listed, the default will be Every Other Saturday).

PLUS:

On January 1, I’ll select one commenter at random to get a Distracted Reader mug and signed hardback copies of The Marriage Pact Trilogy.

So gather around the old water cooler and share your favorite or funniest holiday party stories. They don’t have to be office-related, and they don’t even have to be your personal experience. I have zero journalistic integrity… Greg and I just want reassurance that our holiday party wasn’t the worst one on record. Or at least a happy distraction.

Good Luck and Happy Holidays!!

MJ Pullen

M.J. Pullen is a Distracted Writer and the mom of two boys in Roswell, Georgia, where she is absolutely late for something important right now. Her books include quirky romantic comedies and playful women's fiction -- her latest, SUGAR STREET released on 8/7/18. Join her Distracted Readers newsletter list for updates, free content, giveaways and more.

11 thoughts on “Happy Holidays from MJ and #FakeAssistantGreg”

  1. Ann GaddisAnn Gaddis

    I have read 2 of your books and enjoyed them a lot. Would like to have the book Easy as Pie.

    Keep writing great books

  2. Marlene BuchananMarlene Buchanan

    I have enjoyed your work. I have to say that my office assistants are not the same party goers as your Greg. The four who help me are fluffy, each his or her own personality. Samson, the once believed to be Delilah is a scaredy cat. But then he has cause, HE was taken for a hysterectomy before finding his tiny little raisonettes. He sits at my feet, purring loudly. Gracie, the smallest at 8 pounds, loves to type, especially when I am typing. Mystic prefers her seat on the desk pullout so she can oversee what I am doing and then fall on the desk. Then there is the Queen, Figaro, who we thought was male. She has freckles in the appropriate place. Figaro loves the throw up. A lot. On things.

    So Greg is not such a bad assistant. At least you can fold him up until next holiday season.

    Sugar Street, please

  3. Marlene Ratledge BuchananMarlene Ratledge Buchanan

    I have enjoyed your work. I have to say that my office assistants are not the same party goers as your Greg. The four who help me are fluffy, each his or her own personality. Samson, the once believed to be Delilah is a scaredy cat. But then he has cause, HE was taken for a hysterectomy before finding his tiny little raisonettes. He sits at my feet, purring loudly. Gracie, the smallest at 8 pounds, loves to type, especially when I am typing. Mystic prefers her seat on the desk pullout so she can oversee what I am doing and then fall on the desk. Then there is the Queen, Figaro, who we thought was male. She has freckles in the appropriate place. Figaro loves the throw up. A lot. On things.

    So Greg is not such a bad assistant. At least you can fold him up until next holiday season.

    Sugar Street, please

  4. Christine campbellChristine campbell

    Easy as Pie: A Novella or Sugar Street
    I love your books

  5. Jennifer WendellJennifer Wendell

    I have (and love) them all, but I still wanted to say Happy Holidays to you and your family (& FakeAssistantGreg)!

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