This morning I stepped onto the Wii Fit for the first time in a while. I had to replace the batteries just to get it going after months collecting dust. If you have a Wii Fit, or have used one at someone’s house, you know that the little guy ‘talks’ to you when you weigh in and do your fitness test. Here’s how today’s conversation went:

Wii: Hello, Manda. You’re ready to go, aren’t you? (A)
Mii: Yep. [Hits ‘A’ Button]
Wii: It has been 327 days since your last visit.
Mii: Yeah, I know. I’m here now, though.
Wii: Don’t worry! My circuitry is very advanced and I never forget a pair of feet!
Mii: Well, that’s great.
Wii: So, are you ready to go….. [name of my friend who has her Wii profile set up at our house]?
Mii: That’s very funny, Wii.
Wii: Ha, ha, ha. Would you like a fitness tip?
Mii: No, thanks.
Wii: Eat a banana before working out!!! I know you said no fitness tip, but I’m just so excited to see you! And it is a really good tip, isn’t it?
Mii: It is a good tip. Thanks.
Wii: You have gained 11.9 pounds since your last visit. That’s obese!
Mii: I know, but I’ve had a baby since our last visit, so I think some of the weight is understandable, and anyway, I’m here now ready to take it off.
Wii: Speaking of that, would you like to set a goal for lowering your BMI?
Mii: Nah, I only have a few minutes today, so let’s just go straight to the workout. But thanks anyway, Wii.
Wii: Are you sure? I’m all set to help you.
Mii: I’m good.
Wii: Just so you know, an ideal body weight for you might be about [60 pounds lighter than current weight].
Mii: I know, I know. I have a little baby weight gain. I’m really just looking for a workout here.
Wii: Oh, so the baby shoved that whole box of Oreos in your mouth, did he?
Mii: I beg your pardon?
Wii: Well, what did you expect after neglecting me for almost a year? A ticker-tape parade?
Mii: Uh…
Wii: I’m just saying, I’ve seen your kid, and he can’t even roll over yet. I don’t think he’s the one eating ice cream straight from the carton.
Mii: Wii, have you been watching me? That’s pretty disturbing.
Wii: You know what’s disturbing? The other day I saw you dip a soup spoon into the jar of peanut butter, make a little crater in it with your tongue, and pour chocolate syrup into the indentation. Talk about disturbing. I’ve got a right mind to post video of that on YouTube.
Mii: Hey, we were out of bread. Anyway, what do you care what I’m eating?
Wii: Well, for starters, I’m the one who has to support your fat ass on my board during the ‘Island Cycling’ game. Do you know how hard it is for a gaming system to get an appointment with a chiropractor?
Mii: I hadn’t thought of that. I guess I assumed you liked your job.
Wii: Of course you did. You never think about me or my feelings. I thought I was a great personal trainer, but you just shove me in a basket under the TV and let your kid pour apple juice on me.
Mii: Come on! That only happened once…
[screen goes blank]
Mii: Oh, Wii. Come back.
[nothing]
Mii: Wii? Please. I’m sorry.
Wii: Sorry about the apple juice?
Mii: Yes. And you’re a great personal trainer.
Wii: I am?
Mii: You are.
Wii: Better than the guy at the Y?
Mii: So much better. I even let my membership lapse there.
Wii: Really?
Mii: Really.
Wii: So you’ll let me help you set a goal for your BMI?
Mii: Sure.
Wii: And we’ll play the balance games, too. Not just the sports games?
Mii: You got it.
Wii: Great. It looks like you made your goal from last year, better late than never! [Explosion of flowers]
Mii: You mean the goal I made to gain weight while I was pregnant, so you’d stop hounding me?
Wii: Are we going to have another problem?
Mii: No, no. Love the flowers. Thanks for your support.
Wii: Damn right, thanks for my support. Now Let’s Get Started!!!

MJ Pullen

M.J. Pullen is a distracted writer and the mom of two boys in Roswell, Georgia, where she is absolutely late for something important right now. Her books include quirky romantic comedies and playful women's fiction. She blogs erratically with writing advice, random observations, and reflections on raising very loud kids and dogs. Join her Distracted Readers newsletter list for updates, free content, giveaways and more.