Alright, people. I realize the modern conveniences of cell phones, e-mail, Caller ID, Facebook, etc. have created some social and professional situations that aren’t covered by the traditional etiquette rules of Emily Post. Somehow I don’t think the ladies who long ago made maps of appropriate forks and wrote the governing regulations on thank-you notes imagined a world like ours, in which we would be able to reach any one person, or hundreds of ‘friends,’ within seconds from wherever we are, anytime. In our world, the rules are pretty much based on whatever we feel in the moment and whatever we’ve seen others do. Sometimes with not-so-great results.

So, with my usual modesty and sensitivity (ha), and as a service to everyone everywhere (double ha), I have decided to weigh in periodically on these issues to help you out. You’re welcome.

I’m going to start with a couple of simple things to get us started:

1. Cell phone callbacks – If I call you while you’re in the car, in the bathroom, on the other line, or frantically searching for your cell phone in the floorboard of the passenger seat [that last one would be me, in case you’re wondering], and you miss the call, you missed the call. Accept the fact that you missed it, and wait for my voicemail, or wait a reasonable amount of time to ensure I did not leave a voicemail before calling me back (I’m going to throw out 7 minutes as a reasonable time, but use your own judgment).

It’s so annoying to be in the process of leaving someone a carefully-constructed voicemail, full of information, and halfway through, the person you’re calling interrupts you just so you can repeat everything you’ve already said on the message. What’s worse is when the caller-back actually leaves you a message before bothering to hear what you have to say in your message.  This happened to me the other day: someone called to ask me for information, I called her back and left the information she’d requested in a message, and halfway through she called me back. I decided to just finish my message since I knew she’d likely be in the car and unable to write down numbers, etc. So she left me another message, reiterating her original request. Urgh! Okay, okay, maybe not world-ending stuff, but inconsiderate nonetheless.

The exceptions to this rule are, of course, significant others and people with whom you have very close, intimate relationships. And anyone you are trying to meet at a restaurant or physically locate at a mall or concert. In those cases, it’s acceptable to call back immediately without waiting for a message. Otherwise, wait, listen, then act. Okay? Okay.

2. Cryptic Facebook posts — If you have big news (or a personal grudge) that you’re not ready to fully share with your 352 friends, acquaintances, and people you vaguely knew in high school, please don’t half-post it on Facebook. Here are some examples: “Just got some great news…” “Getting really excited….” or just plain “:)” or “Woo-hoo!” By themselves, these aren’t bad posts, except that when questioned the authors refused to elaborate.

So what, again, was the point of posting something in a public forum that you didn’t want anyone to read? If you can’t share, don’t. Or, whenever I read these posts in the future I will simply assume that you are excited about your upcoming sex change operation and/or decision to become a pig farmer. Because it’s more fun than wondering, that’s why. And face it, you look great in overalls.

Even worse than half-announced good things are thinly veiled jabs at other people. “Realized that certain people are no longer worth my time,” etc. etc. etc. I think it’s tempting to post stuff like that because we feel like we’re rallying our ‘group’ behind us for support in a difficult time. But believe it or not, those posts do not make most people feel bad for you, they make you look like the one who’s judgmental, rude and passive-aggressive — whether those things are true or not. 

Maybe you’re posting about someone who isn’t even in your group of friends. The point is that we don’t know, so anyone who’s had any kind of interaction with you in the past week or so (or even posted something that you might have read, watched, etc.) now has to wonder if you’re talking about them. When I read those things, too, I think how I’d better steer clear of that person, because when he/she gets mad at me, it’s going to be aired out (sort of) in public.

If you have a problem with someone, please deal with them directly. Or don’t. If you need to vent, call a friend and tell them what’s going on and get some support that doesn’t come in “Like/Comment” form. You remember phone calls, don’t you? They’re like Facebook, but for two people. With voices. Try it, you’ll like it.

MJ Pullen

M.J. Pullen is a distracted writer and the mom of two boys in Roswell, Georgia, where she is absolutely late for something important right now. Her books include quirky romantic comedies and playful women's fiction. She blogs erratically with writing advice, random observations, and reflections on raising very loud kids and dogs. Join her Distracted Readers newsletter list for updates, free content, giveaways and more.