Don’t use the TV as a babysitter. 

This is one of those rules I always hear thrown around about parenthood. Actually, come to think of it, I hear it less often as a rule and more often as a derisive example of bad parenting that people desperately want to avoid. It’s usually something like, “I allow my children to watch a little bit of educational TV each day, but I would never use the TV as a babysitter.” [The emphasis on this last word is typically said in the same disgusted manner you might use if you were saying “I would never feed my baby monkey feces.”]

I don’t know when I heard this expression first, but the adage has been ingrained in me for a long time — since long before I started thinking about having my own children. I remember making little mental notes to myself about how I wanted to be as a parent and thinking, as most of us do, that there are some habits I wanted to minimize in my hypothetical future household, TV among them.

With good reason, of course. Children who watch too much television are at risk for a host of problems: sedentary lifestyle, obesity and ADD, to name a few. And I am committed to making sure MLM has lots of opportunities to get outside, play actively, and get lots of non-TV-related learning stimulation.

But like most “rules” I’ve internalized, the TV-as-babysitter one can reach a point where it ceases to be a helpful guideline for doing something proactive and positive; and instead becomes a metaphorical parenting whip with which I beat myself into guilt and inadequacy.

MLM has just reached the point in his development at which his favorite programs [Sesame Street, Curious George, any football game] will hold his attention for five or more minutes at a time. And I have to admit, I’m so glad.

At 6:30 a.m., I can put a sleepy, whiny baby in his little chair with a cup of milk and let him watch Sesame Street while I make coffee and find the sweatshirt that is currently functioning as a robe — which make me much more available and perky mom by 7:15. I always feel a twinge of guilt at that moment, because I am, in fact, using the TV as a babysitter; and kicking off our day together with the boob tube as the focus. But the guilt is far outweighed by — what is it? relief? gratitude? — that I can focus on starting my day as a human being rather than exclusively a mommy.

And I have to say, I’m okay with it. It’s an educational program, and LM rarely watches anything for more than 8 minutes before he’s off to find something to play with or to figure out where I am and why my attention drifted from him for any reason.

The challenge is in the balancing act. It’s hard, once you turn that noisy screen on, to turn it off again. And there’s always the danger that a few minutes here and there throughout the day will turn into two-hour blocks of watching TV later on (which I really do want to avoid). Like most things in parenting, and in life, it seems that the trick is to allow the conventional wisdom, or the “shoulds,” to guide decision-making in general; but to also adapt that to what works best for you personally.

Maybe that derisive voice in my head that says “Don’t use the TV as a babysitter,” causes me to hesitate a bit when I plop LM down in his chair in the morning, or when we turn on the weekend football game. It doesn’t change what I’m doing in that moment, but it does give me pause, helps me to check my behavior. Because of that hesitation, that twinge of guilt, I can moderate my decision and commit to balancing it out later in the day. So if we watch a bit of TV as part of our morning ritual, maybe we turn it off and get outside in the afternoon, or opt for some music instead.

Everyone has differing opinions on this issue, of course, and every parent draws the line in a different place — a place that can change daily, depending on the situation. But for me the focus is going to be more on not only balancing “should” with “can,” but also feeling less guilty and conflicted in the process. Besides, everyone loves Elmo, right??

MJ Pullen

M.J. Pullen is a distracted writer and the mom of two boys in Roswell, Georgia, where she is absolutely late for something important right now. Her books include quirky romantic comedies and playful women's fiction. She blogs erratically with writing advice, random observations, and reflections on raising very loud kids and dogs. Join her Distracted Readers newsletter list for updates, free content, giveaways and more.